A FEW MORE THOUGHTS ON THE HOLIDAYS

While the focus of my last blog post was on people facing the holidays who have separated, I think it’s important to recognize the fact that there are many individuals, some of whom are reading this, who have decided to “stick it out” through the holiday season.

A cursory review of statistics will show you that there is a significant spike in filing for divorce January through March. As a practitioner, I can assure you that a large portion of this is attributed to people deciding to “stick it out through the holidays” then file. It’s an admirable decision and a difficult one to make. If you’re already in the marriage that is experiencing stress and difficulties, the additional stress of the holidays can make day to day life even more difficult. “Sticking it out” is no small undertaking. That’s probably why the spike in filing for divorce begins immediately following the New Year. Whether it’s folks who just wanted to make it through the holiday season, or those whose New Year’s resolution involved re-examining their lives, the reality is there is a “divorce rush” and it is quickly coming upon us.

This may seem like an unusual thing for a divorce attorney to say, but no matter how difficult things are, barring circumstances where somebody is suffering from physical, emotional or psychological abuse, I implore you to not run to the courthouse door come January.

I would advise anyone reading this, as I advise all of my clients, to please stop and think. Not that you haven’t, you’ve probably been ruminating on this decisions for a very long time now.

This probably has included the repeating thoughts that you have in your own head about the things that are bad,

the things that are wrong,

the things that you need to fix,

the things that they might not be fixable

and all of those other things that race through your mind at 2 in the morning. These are your thoughts, but they are not necessary informed thoughts.

If you haven’t spoken with qualified others, you may be falling into a trap of what I call “spinning”. The same thoughts are swirling over and over again, and the more they swirl, the more they get reinforced in your own mind. All of a sudden, every action by your spouse becomes something that confirms the beliefs you were having. The most minute of slights: forgetting to stop at the grocery store for milk, leaving socks where they are not supposed to be—these things become symbolic of how you are unappreciated, unhappy and unable to communicate with one another. The more you spin, the more power these thoughts have. Don’t spin. Talk, preferably with somebody trained.

As I said before, talking to friends, talking to family—this can all be helpful in the emotional front, but to gain more insight into what is actually going on, I find it is very helpful for people to talk to counselors. Whether you talk with them alone or have the courage to broach the topic of counseling with your spouse, I think it’s something that should be explored.

People are people and even the most insightful among us are not necessarily insightful 100% of the time.

There may be things going on in your relationship or with you individually that you haven’t really been able to put your finger on, that a counselor may be able to you explore. If you are seriously contemplating divorce, I strongly suggest that you speak with a counselor with some training in marriage counseling or couples counseling prior to making any bold decisions. If nothing else, down the road, you will know that you tried.

I also strongly suggest that you speak with a lawyer before you do anything else. Divorce changes every aspect of your life. Every single aspect. Every single day.

Even the most amicable of divorces still have significant long-term consequences for just about everything.

It changes how often you see your kids.

It changes where (and how) you live

Heck, most of the time it even changes your retirement age, no matter how many decades away that is.

Some people find some of these changes to be for the best, others find them truly terrifying. If you are leaving a bad relationship, then you should be leaving your bad relationship, but you should know what that really means. Many people have very misguided beliefs about what divorce would ultimately end up meaning for them. One of the things I hope to do with this blog in the future is talk about some of the more practical ramifications that the divorce or separation actually have as it relates to their finances, custody, support obligations.

If you have questions about any of these things, you should talk to a lawyer. With all due respect, you do not know the law. Neither does your sister, neither does your best friend’s cousin, neither does your hairdresser. Lawyers exist because lawyers know the law. We are a necessary evil in this world and the advice that a skilled divorce attorney can give you is far more valuable that personal experience anecdotes that you may hear from people you encounter in day to day life. “But in my brother’s divorce….” is not legal precedent and it’s not swaying any judges.

If you are seriously thinking about a divorce, talk to a counselor, talk to a lawyer, but don’t pull the trigger until you do. Take some time to think about what’s going on and what the long-term costs are for whichever decision you make. Nobody should stay miserable for the sake of staying in a marriage, but by the same token, virtually no one’s best answer is to race into Court.

So, to those of you sticking out through the holiday season, again, I commend you. I also advise you to gather information. I say this to anyone reading this, whether they are seriously contemplating a divorce, or if it’s just something that has crossed their mind from time to time, arm yourself with information. Whether it’s about your counseling options, or what you actually face if a divorce was to take place, your future decisions should be informed. Divorce lawyers aren’t crystal balls, but we certainly can provide you with more information than your hairdresser (no disrespect to hairdressers. I trust you with my hair, please trust me with divorce law).

Regardless of your situation, I hope you all make the most of this holiday season, and I look forward to providing you with more thoughts and information in the New Year.

Becky