With Thanksgiving arriving next week, and Christmas, Hanukkah and
a host of other holidays just around the corner, I wanted to recirculate last
year’s holiday post, updated slightly.
Though another year may have passed, it rings just as true.
On the Simpsons, Helen Lovejoy is often quoted as saying, “Will
someone please think of the children?” I think this is a particularly
appropriate sentiment during the holiday season. For families who have not been
“intact” for some time or others who are going through transition, often the
stress of the holiday season, coupled with the additional stress of new living
circumstances, makes the holidays particularly trying.
I find clients who are transitioning to their new lives find the
first holiday season to be particularly difficult. Everyone faces stresses
associated with the holidays in the form of decorating, baking, buying
presents, making merry and balancing budgets. Those facing the new world of
contemplating whose Christmas festivities the kids will attend and what holiday
traditions can survive the transition have it particularly hard.
To those of you who have already worked through these issues, and who know exactly what you will be doing this holiday season, where the kids will be over their break, etc., I commend you on the efforts that had to go in to finalizing these arrangements and making peace with the new schedule.
To those of you who are just facing these challenges for the
first time, I wanted to share some thoughts.
1) Helen Lovejoy was right. We should be thinking of the
children. The holiday season, Thanksgiving and Christmas break…these are
magical moments for them and getting bogged down in the stress or fights over
exactly how they will be spent detracts from that magic. Even if you are not so
foolish as to try and discuss these issues with your children (which is
hopelessly inappropriate), your stress still shows and they’ll still pick up on
it. First off, never, ever, ever talk to your children about difficulties that
you’re having making holiday arrangements, or tell them you’re sad that they
won’t be there with you Christmas morning or anything of the like. They’re your
children, let them stay that way. The world is going to do enough to disavow
them of their innocence and hope; don’t speed up the process.
2) Do talk to somebody. Separation and divorce are incredibly
stressful and emotionally painful experiences. Going through them alone and
maintaining some degree of self and sanity is nearly impossible. Talk to your
friends. Talk to your family. Talk to your priest. Talk to your therapist. Talk
to somebody. Anybody—(except your children). You can talk to your lawyer, too,
but it’s best that you rely upon them for some education on your legal rights
and responsibilities and not the emotional issues. We bill at a higher hourly
rate than therapists and we’re never covered by insurance.
3) You should talk to your co-parent. Now that you’ve talked out
some of the emotional pain that goes with trying to navigate these new issues,
it’s time to talk to somebody else, and that’s the other person, the person
with whom you’re sharing custody of your children, not just for this holiday
season, but for the rest of your lives. The sooner you can work out a schedule
for how holiday custody will work and where the children will be over their
break, the sooner you can close this chapter and move forward with actually
enjoying the holiday season.
Not everyone can talk through their issues in a reasonable, productive manner. They may have to turn to lawyers or to the Courts for help. Let me assure you of two things:
1) There is emergency Motions Court on December 22nd which
will be filled with almost nothing but last minute motions trying to resolve
Christmas custody disputes; and
2) You do not want to be there.
Please make the effort at resolution. If you can’t talk it
through between yourselves, perhaps you can try mediating, or having your
attorneys negotiate, but I assure you, you do not want to be litigating where
your child eats dinner or opens a gift.
Divorce or separation from the parent of your children will be
hard. Nobody can make it easy. Talking to the right people, learning the right
information, and addressing your outstanding disputes in a timely manner will
make it easier.
There is no cure for the hurt, but there are many proactive things you can do to try to minimize how that impacts you and your children and how you navigate the co-parenting relationship moving forward.
In all likelihood, you will share custody of your children. It’s
almost a guarantee that you will share custody on the holidays. It will be
necessary to make new traditions and work on moving forward. The better you do
that, the more positive lessons you teach your children about how to work with
others, to manage your emotions and hurt, and to move forward in a responsible
manner. As I said above, life will do plenty to eat away at your children’s
innocence and hope. Don’t help it. What you’re doing now is teaching them the
skills to deal with those upsets that will happen in their own lives.
Teach them well and enjoy the holiday season.
